i never could get myself to finish the draft post i started writing almost a year ago, and i knew it was for good reason. this time, last year, i lost a friend. he wasn't just a friend though, he was an angel on earth. a person i had the pleasure of knowing and bonding with in several lights, and still do. he was the type of being that made me feel comfortable being ME. we did theatre together, we raved together, we were neighbors. his death had a major impact on me, and the year 2014.
2014 feels like it passed in the blink of an eye, yet sitting here in complete silence.. i'm thinking about how much has actually happened. reflecting on lessons to take away, i wanted to share for anyone who cares to listen… and if you can relate in any way, i would love to know.
this year i started off just waking up and appreciating the fact that i woke up. music sounded richer. colors outside looked brighter. i was thankful i have a job that i looked forward to going to. a roof over my head and food to eat. i wanted to let people know they were loved and appreciated as often as i could. i wanted to spread that love because i felt i have so much of it to offer. i wanted to carry legacies that my friends who are no longer physically with us couldn't. that way they never really died.
i loved and i lost this year. but it is said that in order to get the fullest out of life you must let yourself fall entirely and completely into every situation. when i say i loved and i lost, i am talking about friends, family and romantically. but mainly friends, because i love my friends.. they are my soul family. some may think it's easy for me to cut off communication but the truth is, it's not. i grieve, whether they know it or not because i am human at the end of the day. all i ever want is for people to be the best version of themselves because it makes me happy to be surrounded by people who are happy with who they are. this year i had to turn myself off to people i loved because i no longer had the bandwidth to deal with anyone or anything that pulled me down, even if they didn't know they did. it hurts me to see people in pain and doing nothing to build and grow off of that. i want people to understand how powerful they are over controlling their mind, body and soul.
i knew that i could be doing better at work, so i started making the changes i knew i could. i became consumed in being a more valuable asset to the company that has taught me so much, helped me grow into a young professional and believed in me without a college degree straight out of high school. i think one of my least favorite feelings is disappointing people. but most importantly, it's disappointing myself. when you know better, you do better and the recognition for that is a very rewarding feeling. i'm thankful for the people that have believed in me, guided me and helped me become better. thankful for the friends that understood if i couldn't talk because i needed to knock out my to-do lists or prep for meetings.
this year i became even more appreciative of my bloodline. my bubbie, my father and my aunt taught me so much this year about what true, unconditional love is. we bonded on a roller coaster as adults, together, and i believe that our love is miraculous. by just being themselves, they reassured me of the fact that i have inhabited so much of them, and i am proud of it. i'm thankful for their honesty. i'm thankful for their stability. i'm thankful for the fact that they will never let me fall or feel alone. to my family, i love you always and in all ways.
my father and i sat at dinner one night in the city and some of the things he said gave me the strength to overcome some end-of-the-year obstacles. he told me that we have the ability to cast who is in our lives as if we are a casting director taking auditions, looking at people and saying "you make the cut", "you don't make the cut" or "i'll come back to you". this gave me the strength i needed to end a situation that i didn't want to give up on but needed to. what my closest friends didn't know is that within the 24 hours of finalizing this decision, they all contacted me. one after the other, overlapping with love. this showed me that i was completely OK. that the universe was working in my favor as long as i looked out for myself. for them and their love, i am thankful.
when you shut doors to situations that no longer serve you and leave room for new ones to open, but in the process invest deeply into yourself, life becomes magical. some people re-enter and new ones may enter, or you enter deeper into yourself. i truly believe my generation and the ones to come can flip the script. that's the plan..
here's to the one's who didn't make it, to the lives who were robbed.. you may not physically be here, but we will carry your legacies and find peace.
here's to the one's who did make it. this wasn't an easy year but we are all in this together.
happy new year. it's our time.
cheers to 2015.
photo by @jr
one love,
a.sue
@alanasue
