Sunday, April 25, 2010

Ambrose Olsen.

Sometimes in life you come across a rarity. Someone who understands you on a different level. Someone that you grow to care for in an instant, just after they open up to you for the first time. And every other day after that moment feels as though you have known them your whole life. That's how me, Jon, and Tal felt about Bro.

Bro moved back into the model apartment Jon lived in a few months ago. Admittedly, we were afraid of him. He was short for a model, but gorgeous and jacked. He always wore black, and always had a very serious face. His eyes could make anyone melt, and his lips could be dreamt about all day. Anyone could see why the model world was crazy about him.

One night, I decided that I wanted to see what Ambrose Olsen was really about. I started by asking him if I could bother him with some questions in the middle of him filling out paperwork. He replied without even looking at me, "You can ask whatever you want. You're a free person." So I started to ask him questions with Tal (my soul twin/soon-to-be roommate) watching. After a few questions, Ambrose asked me "Why are you asking so many questions?" I told him I wanted to get to know him. He couldn't understand why. I was determined to break down his wall.

An hour later, Ambrose and I were sitting across from one another at the living room table. I asked if I could nickname him and explained that it's just something that I do. He granted permission. I chose "Bro", because it's a cool name and it's in his full name. The smile that came across Bro's face made my heart jump. I was getting somewhere.

He told me to stop asking questions. I reiterated what he had told me earlier, "You can ask whatever you want. You're a free person." He shot back by telling me that I could in fact ask whatever I wanted, but it didn't mean that he was going to answer. He told me that he would give me a scary look and not reply. I told him he couldn't look at me without smiling. He tried, and he couldn't. I heard Tal whisper to Jon, "Do you see this?!" They were in shock.

By the night's end, the four of us had created endless inside jokes, laughed our asses off, and bonded on such a surreal level. Me, Jon, and Tal decided that Bro was one of us. He was coming to the top.

Bro was smart. He was over his modeling days, he had just had enough. He was hilarious, witty. Whenever we spoke to him, he was smiling. We loved him. Bro and Jon bonded, and it was a brotherly bond. Bro was not the type to sit down and share his feelings with just anyone. There was a lot about him that was a mystery. Jon was there for him though, and he knew that.

We spent a lot of time with Bro after breaking down the wall. He was just one of us. Sure, he had a separate group of friends. But when we all hung out, we sat and talked about life. The four of us were a soul family.

On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Bro. Just a call to check in and see when I would stop by to pick up a pair of shoes that I left at the apartment. Jon had already left to go back to California for a little while, but going to the apartment with Bro there felt just as okay. Unfortunately, due to our schedules we missed each other that night. We exchanged a few text messages, and I never would have guessed that those would be my last words with him.

On Friday morning, Jon passed on the news that Ambrose had decided to take his own life Thursday morning. I sit here reading the words that I write and I still refuse to believe that this is true. I don't know why. I don't know what went through his head. There are so many unanswered questions that I am craving the answers to.

Every step I took felt like I was floating, or I was too heavy for myself. Walking around, breathing, it all felt different. I cried all day. I just want him back. We all do.

There is a reason for everything. There is a reason why Bro came into our lives, made such an impact, and then left. I am impatient, I want answers now. I held, and will continue to hold a special place for him in my heart.

Bro, what the hell, man? When I see you again, I'm going to tackle you. You can't just do shit like this. You can't just come into our lives and then bail. We would have been here for you. You were such a beautiful, unique soul. I knew that I wanted you in my life forever. I can't believe that I will never hug you again, that I will never lock eyes with you again, that I will never see you smile ever again because of something I said. I don't only speak for myself when I say that you were magical to me. You were magical to all of us. I'm mad at you. I miss you. I loved you and I will continue to love you. You were a part of me in such a significant way, and you knew that. That is who you were to all of us. This is painful. It's unfair. I want you to come back. And I want to make up from this nightmare. I hope that you are happier now, and I hope that you visit me every day. You are our angel now, there is no doubt in my mind that you will protect us until we meet again. And as much as I appreciate it, it doesn't make up for the pain that I carry wanting to squeeze you in a hug. Be my sun, and be my moon. ;) You were a brother to Jon. You were a soulmate to Tal. You were a magical brother, soul member to myself. I saw it in you, and I preyed it out. With you gone, a part of all of us is gone. It didn't have to be this way, but this is the way it is. I will celebrate your life and the impact you made on mine on a daily basis. I will love you forever. I will miss you every single day. You will always be a part of me, and a part of us three.

Immortal Love,


.Rest in Paradise.


  1. Tears coming out from my heart at this very moment,after reading such beautiful comments of your experiences with Bro, we need to let him rest in peace!
    Paradise yes!!
    Inmortal love yes!!!

  2. Lily Marquez25 April, 2010

    Although, I did not get to meet Bro I learned to know him through my son Jon. I believe there is always a reason for everything in life. For Alana, Tal, and should feel very special because you got to know Bro in a very special way and lived beautiful moments with him. I am sure he loved you and loves all of you. Thank you for being in his last days of his life. What a blessing!

  3. Wow...I am sitting here almost speechless and am reminded yet again how we must love and appreciate everyone around us for we never know how long we will share a path with them.

  4. I spent one of the best years of my life with him. Thank you for posting this

  5. I love you Alana Sue Heffalump Marder forever and always. I wish I had the chance to meet him, he sounds incredible.

  6. Although time has passed, I know the pain still sits in the middle of your body like a rock. Take that pain and turn it into a loving memory of what you had and still have with Bro. I lost someone near and dear to me in in the same way 1985. Your sharing brought it all back afresh. May his cosmic energy be with you always.

  7. I am in tears still...

  8. Anonymous06 July, 2012

    Read your story - it's been a while since we spoke last and I remembered your bright personality all through the story. You will always be unique.

    I am very sorry to hear about Bro - no one can ever "understand" why someone can choose to take their life - live with the memories and the memories will live forever.

    Wish you all the best!

  9. @Anonymous from today..

    I don't know who you are, but your words are beautiful and touched me deeply.

    Thank you.. from the bottom of my heart.

  10. What you wrote was beautiful

  11. Anonymous24 June, 2014